Front lines

Pregnant mommy thoughts - 

I'm on the front lines daily...

A little background and perspective - I'm an ER nurse at the closest ER to one of the largest International airports in the world.  This airport has been chosen as one of 5 in America to funnel all West African flyers through before they are welcomed to our country (and checked for Ebola).  My hospital has been chosen as one of 5 in Georgia to have an inpatient isolation unit.  At 34 weeks pregnant, I've been in triage - the nurse who is the initial contact with patients and determines what care is needed for the patient.

As with all healthcare in the last few months, Ebola, Flu season and Enterovirus are topics of conversation and preparation along with the normal - gunshot wounds, heart attacks, brain bleeds, dying children, dying adults, nail stuck in the femur, suicidal, homicidal and the ever present emergency of "my nose started running several hours ago".  All of these things are just part of my job.  For the most part I like my job and think I'm decent at it.  This is a front line with real needs, real physical struggles and battles that rightly demand time and energy and emotional concern - battles I gladly enter into each time I step into the ER - but it's not the battle that seems to be the real struggle (but I do have some crazy stories).  The real front line is less glamorous and more daily.

You see, I'm also a Mom - to three (soon to be 4) wonderful children.  It's the struggle to be their mommy (and love their daddy) that makes me feel like I'm really entering a battle that takes ALL of me.  The battle for long division to be understood, for perseverance to make sure teeth are brushed daily, for a gentle heart to respond to her brother, for creativity to cook another meal/pack another lunch, for a willing attitude to accomplish chores for the good of the family, for humble responses to ever present questions, for joy to ooze out, for patience to hang thick in the air and repentance (turning from the sin that happens daily and turning to the ONE who can truly bring about change) to be swift.  The battle for my own impatience, frustration and sin to be changed into something beautiful.

It's this front line battle that I think about on my way to work (and make my mascara run before I even start the day), that I feel preoccupied with and that I pray about in the quiet of life.  It's why, after I've dragged myself up the stairs at night that I go to each bed and sit next to a sleeping child and pray.  The day of bickering, arguing, discipline, complaining, failure, success, playing, laughing, questioning are quieted behind closed eyes and softly breathing chests.  These little ones who were formed in my womb and walk around with my eyes, his hair, and unique personalities are being shaped and formed by HANDS known but unseen.  The LORD's hands that invite me to this task - one I enter into gladly but feel so humbled and challenged daily by.

In the quiet - I run my hand through his flaming orange hair and over his freckly face and my heart melts with love, with a desire for him to be free of the sin that entangles him and for me to be more patient and understanding of his 9 year old self and to embrace him fully.

I sit next to a snaggle-toothed 2nd grader who is bundled under fleece in her colorful PJs sweetly surrendering to rest.  I long for her to know the freedom of being who she is meant to be, I delight in her helpfulness and long to really know her and enter into life with her.

I brush away curls from a punkin who has run hard, talked much and is emerging as her own person.  I look forward to her being a big sister and her caring for those littler that herself as she has been loved and embraced by so many.

Deep in the night - I'm awakened by a precious one growing inside who needs to stretch and kick.  This unexpected gift who will emerge and change us all by his presence.

I snuggle next to the one who walks with me in this journey and I'm thankful for his partnership and love (but do fight with him for the covers).

This front line is a battle, it's important, it's worth the time and energy.  I enter into it gladly.  It could consume me if I thought it were all up to me to accomplish - and some days I am undone by wrongly thinking I have to do it all.  I could be paralyzed by the fear and paranoia of the media and world outside - fear of it being my child on that ER bed, my family member dying or sickness invading my life but FEAR isn't called for, panic isn't needed - trust is.  I'm thankful it's not up to me.  I'm thankful I am being used by God to shape and love this family well but I am reminded to rest in HIS work, HIS promises, HIS truth.  Keep on with the daily and trust.

So onto the battle and adventure of today - apples and peanut butter for snack, clean toilets, hot dinner and Spanish homework.