Mommy Thoughts

The last few weeks have been a blur but as I look back there are pictures and thoughts stuck in my mind.

Standing in the back of church next to the window today holding Lydia. Our shadow hit the floor in the bright morning sun as the pastor prayed, as I drank in the warmth of the sun and the peacefulness of the moment.

Realizing I don't sing many lullabies to Lydia or certain songs because my voice isn't as strong, high or able to sing as it was pre-thyroidectomy/pre-cancer. Humming more, rocking more, savoring more in the still moments in the same purple recliner I held Samuel and Lucy in.

Gaining confidence as an ER nurse. I face tough circumstances throughout the day, literal life and death but the toughest thing by FAR is the having to leave my kiddos to go. I can handle any manner of craziness but I fall to pieces when one of my own says "Mommy, can't you stay home with me today?" "Mama, when do you get Christmas break?"

Last week for St. Nicholas Day we took cookies and cards to the nursing home. Samuel and Lucy gave hugs and asked the residents questions and talked to them. I sat with them and let some of the ladies hold Lydia - it was a joy to see my children bring others joy.

Each night we sing Christmas hymns - I have loved hearing my children sing songs and enjoy the music of the season - especially Go Tell it on the Mountain - we have our own version of the song with some clapping and singing - certainly joyful. And O come, O come Emmanual is a hit this year. Samuel is a reading machine and can follow along with anything. Lucy isn't so good remembering the first part but when the REJOICE! REJOICE! comes at the end - she sings at the top of her lungs - love the joy....wish I could bottle it up and save it but its so fleeting, so hard to grasp. I just have to savor the moment and soak it up.

Sunday afternoon naps are wonderful!

I'm a terrible gift giver. I'm not sure if I over think or don't think enough. I never can think of something to give those I love the most or need/should/want to get for. Hopefully the goat we're getting will be good (through World Vision NOT for our own yard) but the other stuff needs to work itself out really soon - one more week.