Table Manners

Meal times together as a family have always been high on my priority list. Even from a young age I wanted our children to eat with us and enjoy being together - isn't that how we celebrate in so many ways - by eating? Isn't it where adult life and kids life collide in so many ways?

Even though I have this desire, I have to admit that since Samuel started eating baby food around 8 months I have not been so fond of dinner time. As a mom, I usually don't get to serve the food and just sit. I'm usually up and down several times a meal, I usually clean up twice as much mess as before and then all of the other concerns with meals, the cooking, the cleaning, the meal budgeting, the grocery shopping and the choosing to be grateful for what we have make this necessary part of our day a "non-relaxing" part of homemaking some days. Add to this the frustration with children at different stages - getting them to eat out of a spoon, teaching them to not make such a mess, teaching them/ modeling for them to be grateful and not complain, encouraging them to eat their veggies and fruits, teaching self-control to sit at the table while others eat, patience to wait until all have seated to say the blessing, and then table manners - I'm tired just thinking about it.

I don't mind most of the time but some days its all just a chore and I was trying to figure out how to make it the enjoyable experience I know it can be and that it is most of the time. My children for the most part are good eaters and will gladly eat their veggies and fruits and try a bite of anything - once. But the table manners were harder to teach. Samuel and Lucy both smacked and talked with food in their mouths - my pet peeve - and I just couldn't get them to realize it when they did it. I was beginning to think it was anatomically not possible.

I see manners as a way to respect others and not be selfish and that is how I wanted them to think. The next part was motivation. Is smacking something they should get spanked for? No, I thought, but how to motivate? We've tried everything but I thought something tangible and immediate would be best. Something that would be worth the struggle to overcome bad habits and instill good ones. Something that was easy to remember.

I came up with the stone jars. It is simple. When Jeremy or I catch the children doing something at the table that is praiseworthy they get a stone in their jar and if they are caught exhibiting a poor behavior they get a stone taken away. When their jar is full they get their reward. For their reward they get to stay up 30-45 minutes after bed time and do whatever they want with Mama or Daddy. Well, this was just the motivation they needed. What a success!

We have only a few simple rules for table manners 1. Do not smack or talk with food in your mouth 2. Sit in your seat unless you ask to be excused 3. No complaining (about food, etc.) 4. Use the proper utensil - no eating mac and cheese with your fingers 5. ***BONUS points*** Be helpful (set table, take plate to the kitchen, clear table, vacuum after meal, get drinks, etc)

Some of these things they already did but not consistently but out of these simple rules we've seen more spontaneous "good" spring forth. For example, Lucy usually says, "Mama, this meal is so yummy" when she is eating. And Samuel when we went to a friend's house at Christmas went up to her and said "Thank you, for my meal" when he was finished. Also, they ask how they can help get ready for dinner and willingly clean up their plates at the end of dinner. We're grateful for this.

Also, I don't hear the complaints about food or trying things. And they have come up with some grown up suggestions. Samuel one night said, "Mama, would it be all right if I ate the leftover brussel sprouts in the refrigerator rather than this spinach?" I thought it was a reasonable request and a good compromise so I let him. He wasn't complaining but asking for a good exchange. I was surprised and pleased. I see them trying so much more and our conversations have been pleasant. We don't have to remind them of their manners as much so we can have better conversations about our day, about stories or about whatever pops into their minds...and let me tell you anything can pop into a 3 or 5 year-olds mind at anytime.

About their rewards - Lucy's first night she got to stay up, she wanted to make clothes for her zu-zu pets, drink hot chocolate and do P90X with Daddy...and we did. Tonight she got her second stay up late night and wanted hot cocoa and to play a game of Cooties with Mama. It's the simple things folks, simple things. And its a win, win for all - more time with my kiddos. Hopefully we can use this motivation in other areas later on and for now we'll be grateful for their sweet hearts as they learn to "not smack at the table!"

Mama and Lucy with her hot cocoa mustache - staying up late and enjoying each other!



Next lesson - how to be excited for my sibling when they get to stay up and I have to go to bed on time...choosing not to be jealous but to rejoice with those who rejoice.